Monday, May 3, 2010
Why do I do it?
Why am I so very hard on myself?
Why is it that I can see the wonderful things that other women do, but never feel that what I do is enough?
What is "Enough"?
I have high expectations of myself-- I do. But I never seem to fulfill any of them.
My ambitions soar. My results? Not so much.
And so the cycle continues. I try things. I add more things. I fail.
And then I give in to discouragement once again, thinking that a bowl of ice cream, or some mindless internet surfing will make the pain go away.
But they only make it worse.
My new goal is this: to try to see myself and my fumbling efforts through God's eyes. But then that scares me, too. If I'm not "enough" in my own eyes, then how can I possible be "enough" in His?
I think I just heard God chuckle and then lovingly say "You ARE enough. Don't keep yourself away from me because you think you're not 'good enough.' I think that you are."
So I pick myself up, dust myself off, and go do something that truly rejuvenates me, like praying, sewing something for someone I care about, reading a little child a story, calling someone who might need to hear a happy voice, or like giving my husband a good kiss.
You know, ice cream can be highly overrated.
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I have this problem a lot as well. Im begining to realize that if anyone else told me that they got done everything I did on any given day I would be impressed that they managed it all while taking care of young children, however I expect more from myself. Im realizing that it is totally not fair and it is causing me a lot of problems. I am really beginning to think it has to be a tool of Satan to make me discouraged in my calling as a wife and mother. Im thinking next week instead of a to do list Im going to do a already done list. That way I can look at all the good Ive gotten done instead of everything I need to get done.ReplyDelete
Wow Rachel! I think you are doing so much and have always DONE so much that you don't even realize how much you do. (Does that make sense?) Even just getting out the door with 10 children is a big deal. There are a lot of people with 3 children (like me) who had trouble doing that. Add in a couple of foster kids and it totally threw me for a loop. I kept thinking, "Rachel can deal with twice as many kids, why can't I?"ReplyDelete
Satan does everything in his power to make us feel insignificant. It is his best tool to bring us farther away from Christ. He has been working on me too. Lately I just feel upset about things that used to never upset me. What a turkey Satan is!
This quote always helps me when I feel this way:ReplyDelete
[Keep in mind this is the adversary speaking] "[God] wants them to learn to walk, and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with their stumbles...Our cause[the adversaries] is never more in danger then when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to our our Enemies will, look round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys." -C.S. Lewis, in The Screwtape Letters.